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Queen B's Bif Experinece Number One


i'm rushing out of work and hopping into a cab that i reserved earlier that day (there was no way i was going to miss bif naked a third time --- i had some bad luck in the previous months with car/blinding rainstorm problems and lack of a student i.d. at fordham university). i was driven to laguardia airport and got onto my flight to boston with two minutes to spare.

we backed out from the gate and got onto the runway. then the plane stopped and turned around. "WHAT?!" i exclaimed. "where are we going?!"

it turned out that some idiot had gotten on the wrong united states shuttle flight. oh, the stewardess only announced that we were flying to BOSTON and not WASHINGTON DC like THREE times. what a dope.

so we crawl back to the gate and let the schmuck off. the plane was already going to be late. just then, my friends viv and laurie called from the avalon ballroom on my cell phone.

laurie: "bertie, there the fuck are you?! it's fucking cold!"

me: i'm still on the plane. we haven't taken off yet.

laurie: what?! [a lot of expletives]

viv: we have another problem. there are no tickets left.

me: bullshit. i just called the avalon an hour ago and they said they were still available. wait there until i arive.

laurie: [a lot of expletives]

stewardess: you're not allowed to use cell phones now.

me: [a lot of expletives, thought but not spoken]

finally fifteen minutes later we take off. when i arrive in boston, i run to the nearest cab stand and jump into a cab.

"drive as fast as you can to lansdowne street!"

the guy drives about 35 miles per hour and hums the whole way. i feel like banging my head on the window. of all the cabbies in north america i happen to have chosen the slowest one. no one drives less than 55 mph in boston. no one WALKS less than 55 mph in boston. who was this guy?!

finally, traffic jam after traffic jam later, i arrive at the doors of the avalon ballroom. my friends are outside, visibly pissed.

laurie: [a lot of expletives]

viv: [she doesn't curse but she would if she does] we were about to leave!!!

me: [the look of death]

they are silenced.

i don't even bother talking to the people at the front. i just walk on in, dragging my friends with me. tickets schickets. it worked. must have been the jedi mind trick.

the last notes of "spaceman" were being played, and i breathe a sigh of relief that she is still onstage.

"WHOOOOOO BIF!" i scream. "WHOOOOOOOOOO!"

everyone around me is there to see fuel, so they look at me funny. how do i respond: "WHOOOOOOOOOOO! WHOOOO!"

then bif says: "this is my last song, chotee."

me: NOOOOOOO! you have to be kidding me!!!!!!

laurie: she only played for like twenty minutes.

me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

she played chotee, during which time i am convinced that bif is the answer to all the problems in rock music nowadays and that i would have to see her again. vivian and laurie are equally impressed by the four minutes they saw her as well.